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| So you want to know what is new with me? I don't use this xanga much, it's more like my creative writing/ranting thing. I've gotten so much shit for it on my other blogs that I guess I'll just do it in the one no one really reads anymore.
Long story short:
I got into some trouble with the law. I got fired, and my first court appearance is on the 17th. I'm nervous. I don't want to go to jail again. One day was already unpleasant enough. I don't want to be convicted of a felony and make my life any harder than it already is. We'll just have to see what happens. I'm not doing so bad in school. I had a 4.0, but now its a 3.65 oh well. I've started playing tennis again, i lost about 15 pounds in a week and a half. I'm not even going to try and mention my love life. It's too complicated and typing it all out could be incriminating.
I really need to get it together. Living day by day might have worked till now, but it isn't work out so well anymore.
I wrote these awhile ago, but i'll post them now:
~~
throughout all the sadness
throughout all the pain,
throughout all these days of endless rain.
you were there for me,
and I for you.
And it is this way
that I wish,
it could remain.
~~
head down,
shoulders forward,
eyes to the floor,
I'll cry till i feel no more.
~~
and all that's left are the lies i've been told.
curse words muttered under my breath.
I hate you, and I love you.
conflict, anger, frustration,
there is no resolution.
The emptiness consumes me,
the black hole within my chest,
swallowing all that is merry, never to be seen again,
the clenching, the tightness, the pain, it never ceases.
as this slow subtle asphyxia that we call life
progresses onward, only now have i begun to realize
its hold, only now have i realized the futility of resistance,
it's too late, its too tight, and i for one am too tired.
~~
Drops of blood fall,
into the arteries, into the air,
Valves clench,
Chambers pump,
Veins forget their duties,
the sky loses its air,
Tightness, pain,
Relief again.
the beating of a broken heart,
much like the cycle of life.
~~
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| "Troubles times. You know I cannot lie. I'm off the wagon and I'm hitchin a ride."
Alot has been going on since I last wrote in here. I don't even really
remember when I stopped. I suppose this xanga is much more reflective
than my other xanga or livehournal for that matter.
Well let's see. Right now I'm feeling utterly sick from a brunch my
parents took me to. Asian food can be quite evil, let me tell you. And
I found out I was allergic to avacados, the hard way.
As for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness I am quite
frustrated. My life is infinitely perplexing in its intricacy of
complications. But i odn't honestly feel like making some grand
monologue about my life that is all emo and woe is me type thing. So
i'll give it you short and simple.
Newspaper I started failed, crashed and burned into the ground. Pardon
the pun. Won a film festival, but continue to doubt my own excellence.
Fell in love with a girl, this is probably one of two of the most
complicated parts in my life at the moment. I met this girl whom I
absolutely adore beyond all comprehension. It's quite sickening if you
aren't me, or so i am told. Though the problem is I don't know if she
feels the same way, I don't think I will ever get to know because she
doesn't want to go out on a limb and try to work at having a long
distance relationship. Which the majority of the times doesn't work
anyways.
College, the other dominating factor of stress and deep thought. I have
my 2 year plan. I go to De Anza and transfer, simple as that. BUT it is
to where I transfer is the real problem. I have to start applying for
transfer after my first year, so in actuality i really dont have all
that much time to think about it like everyone says. The years fly by.
I don't know whether or not I want to go to UCLA and persue a career in
film, or go to UCI and hang with my buddies and live free with my
uncles. I'm afraid that if i decide to go to UCLA, I wont be going for
me or film or my career, merely HER, the girl that I mentioned before.
I feel like my brain is going to implode. As of now i think that i
should stop thinking. give myself a break, and then when im rested i'll
go back to the front lines, and dig myself another trench.
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| that's right bitches. I'm back.
I suppose the question to ask is how do I feel as of now?
well this should asnwer it:
I put my face in the dirt and finally I see,
that the entire time the sky has been avoiding me...
And I try to just keep moving on
with my broken heart and my absent god, I have no faith.
and yet i still yearn to be loved.
My mouth opens,
words are spoken
it's like water down the drain.
And I hear your name, no nothing has changed.
It would be nice to think that since I am eighteen times have changed,
we have become more sophisticated,
the world less cruel, skins thicker.
but there still seems to be an element of
that night in everything that has happened to me since.
All my memories seem to be a scrambled version
of the one true love i never really knew.
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| The story of My life as it has been during my hiatus of sorts:
After an odd series of events, I recently came upon to the leadership role of one of the competeing newspapers at my school. To worsen the blow of competition the school hath denied our newspaper, the original one, school funding and/or backing. Therefore it is entirely self-sufficient.
As time went by, I become more and more in charge of things. Unbekownst to myself i stage a coup and took over the paper entirely. At first it work like a fine well oiled machine. But in recent weeks it has been left to neglect and the harsher elements of it's members enui, and lack of organization. I, therefore, instead of easing the workload on the some of the so-called committed members, must once again bear the entire weight of the paper on my shoulders.
Voltaire's Candid is an intersting novel. It insinuates that humans, due to their nature can never be happy, unless they are working. Working at a hard and strenous labor. I will tell you that in my case he is very very wrong. Perhaps it may be true for others, but not me. I have come to the conclusion that in the 14 sum odd years of my conciousness as a human being, I have determined that the fates have nothing but worries and woes in store for me. That I am most likely an individual not destined for happiness, contentment, nor greatness. That is one fate, but there a million ways to defy it. | | |
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